Couples therapy when one of you is unsure
You have been reading therapist websites for a while. You have probably read this one before. The thing stopping you is not the fee or the timing. It is that you already know how the conversation will go when you raise it, and you are tired of being the one who raises things.
This is one of the most common situations I see, and it is not a reason to wait.
What reluctance usually means
Reluctant partners are rarely indifferent. Underneath the reluctance there is usually something specific:
- A fear of being outnumbered, with the therapist and their partner on one side
- A belief that therapy means being told what is wrong with them
- The suspicion this is a formality on the way to separating
- A family background where difficulty was handled by not discussing it
- A worry about being asked to talk about feelings they have no words for
- A sense that if they agree, they are conceding that the problem is theirs
None of those are unreasonable. They are also not permanent. Most of them dissolve within one or two sessions, once the reluctant partner discovers what the room is actually like.
What I do about it
I work for the relationship rather than for either partner. In practice, this means the person who came reluctantly gets my attention as much as the person who booked, and often more in the early sessions. Nobody arrives to find a case already assembled against them.
I am also clear about what couples therapy is not. It is not an arbitration. I am not going to rule on whose account of Tuesday is correct. It is not a course of instruction in communication. And it is not a preliminary to separation unless that is what the two of you decide.
Reluctant partners often turn out to be the ones who get the most from the work. They arrive with low expectations, which are easy to exceed.
If your partner will not come at all
Come on your own.
Working individually on a relationship is proper work, not a consolation prize. On your own we can look at the part of the cycle that belongs to you, which is the only part you have any control over. That includes the patterns you brought with you from earlier relationships and from the family you grew up in, why this dynamic is familiar, what you are protecting, and what you are prepared to accept.
Two things tend to follow. Relationships shift when one person stops playing their usual part, sometimes considerably. And your own position becomes clearer, whether that means staying and doing something different, or deciding you have reached the end of what you want to carry.
Sometimes the reluctant partner joins later. That happens more often than you would think, usually once they notice something has changed at home. If it does, we discuss how to make the transition properly rather than just adding them to the sessions.
Individual sessions on relationship difficulties are £170.
How to raise it
A few things help.
Ask for one session rather than a course of therapy. One conversation with a therapist is a much smaller thing to agree to than an open-ended commitment, and it is honest, because the first session is genuinely about whether this feels right to all three of us.
Say what you want rather than what is wrong. "I want us to be better than this" lands very differently from "I want you to see what you are doing".
Let them read the website. Reluctant partners often want to know who they would be sitting with. Send them this page.
Do not present it as a last resort, unless it is. If therapy arrives framed as the final chance, the pressure in the first session is enormous.
Practical details
Sessions are 50 minutes, weekly, at a fixed time. £170 per session, online, with in-person sessions available in Peckham, South East London.
I trained in couple psychotherapy at Tavistock Relationships, qualifying in 2015, and I continue to work there as a Visiting Clinician carrying out clinical assessments. My private practice is separate from that role.
The first session is a conversation: what brings you, what you are each hoping for, and whether working with me feels right. The fit matters more than anything else in therapy, so there is no obligation to continue.
Common questions
Can I book a session and tell my partner afterwards?
Better to ask first. Arriving at a session you did not agree to confirms exactly what a reluctant partner fears.
My partner has said they want to leave. Is there any point?
Often, yes. Sometimes the work is about repairing the relationship. Sometimes it is about understanding what happened and separating with less damage, which matters a great deal if you have children.
Will you tell us whether we should stay together?
No. I do not have a preferred outcome for you and I will not steer you towards one.
What if my partner comes once and refuses to return?
Then we look at what happened in that session, and you decide whether to continue on your own. Neither outcome is a failure.