Couples therapy when you cannot stop arguing
You have the same argument on a loop. The subject changes. The choreography does not. One of you raises something, the other hears criticism, and within four minutes you are both saying things you will regret and neither of you is talking about the original thing any more.
Afterwards you patch it up, or you do not, and a fortnight later it happens again.
What this usually feels like
Most couples in this position are not cruel people with bad intentions. They are two reasonable adults who have become experts at pressing each other's worst buttons and cannot work out how they got here.
The particular details vary. The shape is familiar:
- One of you pursues, the other withdraws, and each behaviour makes the other worse
- Arguments about money, housework or the in-laws that are clearly not about money, housework or the in-laws
- A running scoreboard, kept privately by both of you, with different scores
- Long silences that feel worse than the shouting
- Apologies that fix nothing because neither of you believes the other has understood
- A creeping sense that you have become people you do not like around each other
Underneath it there is usually loneliness. That is the part couples rarely say out loud.
The argument is almost never about the argument
The row about the washing up is rarely about the washing up. It tends to stand in for something older and harder to say: am I carrying this alone, am I still wanted, will you know what I need without my having to ask.
Communication advice does not touch this, which is why most couples have already tried it and found it thin. You both already know you should listen more and interrupt less. Knowing has not helped, because the argument is doing a job. It is where the unspeakable things get said sideways.
How I work with this
I am interested in the cycle rather than the content. Within a few sessions we will usually be able to describe it plainly: what starts it, what each of you does next, what each of you fears the other is thinking, and what you each end up protecting. Couples find that description a relief. Once you both see the cycle, it stops being your partner's character and becomes something the two of you are doing.
Then we look at where each of your parts in it came from. The person who cannot ask for care learned somewhere early that asking was pointless. The person who bristles at every question was once inspected and found wanting. Those are not excuses, they are explanations, and when they land partners stop taking each other's defences personally.
I work for the relationship rather than for either partner. You will not find me appointing a villain, and I will not be refereeing your account of Tuesday.
I am direct. If the room is full of anger and what I sense underneath it is sadness, I will say so. Directness in my room never means harshness, and nobody gets shamed here.
Where something concrete will help, I offer it: a way of raising difficult subjects, a book worth reading together, structure for couples whose shared life has been swallowed by logistics. The understanding comes first, but I am not precious about method.
What changes
Couples usually notice the arguments getting shorter before they notice them getting rarer. The recovery time drops. Then the escalation stops arriving so fast, because one of you recognises the moment and says so out loud. Then there is more room for the ordinary generosity that had disappeared.
Nobody stops arguing altogether, and that is not the aim. The aim is that arguments stop being frightening and start being useful.
Practical details
Sessions are 50 minutes, weekly, at a fixed time. £170 per session, online. In-person sessions are available in Peckham, South East London.
I trained in couple psychotherapy at Tavistock Relationships, qualifying in 2015, and I continue to work there as a Visiting Clinician carrying out clinical assessments. My private practice is separate from that role.
We start with an initial session: what brings you, what you are hoping for, and whether working with me feels right.
Common questions
We argue in front of the children. Is it too late?
No. Children cope better with parents who argue and repair than with parents who are silently frozen. What you are showing them changes as the pattern changes.
We are worried we will just argue in the session.
You probably will, at least at first, and that is useful. I would rather see the pattern than hear a summary of it.
One of us goes quiet rather than shouting. Does that count?
Yes. Withdrawal is part of the cycle, not the absence of one. Silence is often the loudest thing in the room.
Can we do this online if we live together?
Yes. Many couples sit side by side at one screen. Some prefer separate rooms and separate screens, which works too.