When Emotional and Physical Intimacy Don’t Line Up

One of the most common challenges I see in couples therapy is when partners have different “entry points” into intimacy. For one partner, feeling emotionally close — having open conversations, affection, and a sense of being seen — is what unlocks their desire for sex. For the other, physical intimacy is the pathway to emotional closeness.

This difference can lead to a painful cycle. The emotionally-driven partner may hold back from sex until they feel connected, which can leave the physically-driven partner feeling rejected or unimportant. In turn, the physically-driven partner may pull away emotionally if sexual intimacy isn’t happening, which only deepens the emotional gap for the other.

Sue Johnson, creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy, would recognise this as a variation of the “pursuer–withdrawer” dynamic, where each partner’s way of seeking closeness can inadvertently push the other away. Esther Perel speaks about how desire and emotional bonding don’t always follow the same sequence for everyone — for some, emotional closeness sparks sexual desire, while for others, sexual connection creates emotional closeness. Terry Real encourages couples to learn each other’s “love maps” so they can intentionally stretch towards one another’s needs rather than waiting for their own to be met first.

Breaking this cycle starts with understanding that neither way is wrong — they’re just different. The goal is to meet in the middle. This might mean offering small gestures of emotional warmth before sex for the partner who needs emotional connection, and showing physical affection without immediate expectation of sex for the partner who needs touch to feel close.

When couples can recognise these patterns without blame, they often find that the standoff begins to dissolve. Instead of “you never want sex” or “you only want sex,” the conversation shifts to, “I understand how you connect, and I’m willing to meet you there.”