What Emily Nagoski Taught Me (and My Clients) About Sex and Desire
In this short audio, you’ll hear a clear explanation of some of Emily Nagoski’s most useful ideas about desire, arousal and connection in long-term relationships. It was created for Dulwich Psychotherapy to accompany the blog post below. If you’ve ever felt out of sync with your partner or wondered why sex sometimes feels more complicated than it used to, this is worth a listen. It covers how desire works, why context matters, and what really supports intimacy over time.
As a couples therapist, one of the most common things I hear in sessions is, “We love each other, but our sex life just isn’t what it used to be.” Sometimes it’s about mismatched desire. Sometimes it’s about stress, parenting, or just feeling disconnected. But underneath it all, there’s usually a quiet fear that something is broken.
That’s why I often bring Emily Nagoski’s work into the room. Her book Come As You Are is one of the most helpful, reassuring, and practical resources I’ve come across on sexuality and intimacy. Here are the key ideas I come back to again and again—with clients, and in my own reflections about relationships.
1. The Dual-Control Model: Brakes and Accelerators
Nagoski’s model describes sexual arousal like driving a car: we all have an accelerator (the gas pedal) and a brake. The accelerator responds to things that turn us on. The brake responds to things that signal “not safe” or “not now.”
Every person has their own level of sensitivity to each. Some have sensitive accelerators, others strong brakes. For many couples I work with, the problem isn’t that the desire is gone—it’s that there are too many things pressing the brake.
Understanding each other’s “turn-ons” and “turn-offs” at this level can be a game-changer.
2. Spontaneous vs. Responsive Desire
Another common misunderstanding is the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire.
Spontaneous desire is what most of us were taught to expect: wanting sex out of nowhere, like suddenly craving pizza.
But responsive desire is different. It shows up after some kind of stimulation—like starting to feel hungry once you smell the pizza cooking. You weren’t “in the mood” at first, but once you feel good, desire follows.
Many people in long-term relationships have responsive desire. There’s nothing wrong with that—it’s completely normal. The problem is when one partner thinks the other just isn’t interested, when really, their desire works differently.
3. "Pleasure is the Measure"
This is one of my favourite principles from Nagoski. It shifts the focus from frequency, performance or routines, and instead asks: Was it pleasurable?
Pleasure doesn’t have to mean orgasm. It means closeness, fun, touch, play, connection. That’s what matters. When couples take pressure off themselves to “keep up” some imagined standard, they often rediscover a sense of intimacy that feels much more authentic.
4. Context Is Everything
If you’ve ever felt completely disconnected from your body despite “doing everything right,” you’re not alone. Emotional context is everything.
Stress, anxiety, a messy bedroom, kids nearby, emotional distance, body image—these things all impact arousal. You could have the most romantic setting and still feel miles away if the emotional tone isn’t right.
In therapy, I often help couples look at what kind of context helps each partner feel relaxed, safe and open to connection.
5. Nonconcordance: When Mind and Body Don’t Match
Here’s something most people have never heard of: your brain and your body don’t always match when it comes to arousal. You might feel turned on without much physical response. Or your body might respond even if your brain isn’t in it.
This is called nonconcordance. And it’s normal.
It doesn’t mean you’re broken, and it’s not a sign of consent or desire either way. It just means our bodies and brains are complicated.
What Can You Do as a Couple?
If this resonates, here are a few ways to work with these ideas together:
Talk about your personal "accelerators" and "brakes"—and listen to each other without fixing.
Stop worrying about frequency. Instead, ask: Did it feel good?
Make space for pleasure, not pressure.
Accept that your desire might look different from your partner’s—and that’s okay.
Try This Reflection Exercise:
Take 10 minutes to each reflect on this question:
“What makes me feel emotionally and physically open to pleasure?”
Then share your answers. No pressure to act on them—just listen.
You’re not broken. Your partner isn’t either.
You may just be working with different wiring, different expectations, and a lot of unspoken pressure. The good news is, with the right knowledge and a bit of care, things really can shift.
If you’d like support exploring this together, this is exactly the kind of work we can do in couple sessions.